Month Ten

Hello from the end of a summer sent straight from hell. Month Ten, as I like to call it.

I just finished a ten month program in Seattle, Washington, filled with the love of Jesus and the intimacy of cummunity. From September to June we laughed, cried, and encouraged each other to love life with all that we have.

And then we did the math. Our “ten month program” was missing a month.

Collectively, a few of us decided that last month was for mourning.

So here I am, coming at you live from Month Ten.

A month sent straight from hell.

Month Ten was the most depressing period of my life. For 64 days, I have been without my Serve Seattle family. I have missed them endlessly as I continue on to pursue my life without the people who have most recently made it so special. It  was by far the most destructive season of my life, consistently questioning my own judgment and crying to God to give me purpose once again.

Month Ten had me on a frenzy to feel something, whether it be a new adventure or a new dumbass decision or a new risky situation to throw myself into. I wanted to feel it all. Month Ten had me so close to removing all memory of Seattle out of my brain, because it’s easier to not know what’s going on than to crave being there. Month Ten had me in tears for fleeting moments, then numb for the rest, and every day was so empty.

Month Ten was really lonely. It was like all I knew to call my family and my home had been stripped away, only to be replaced by cheap wine and reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, hoping to see the Seattle skyline enough times to make me feel loved once again.

Loneliness doesn’t exist in a place where God’s love dwells. (Jordan Lee)

And there we have it folks. The truth comes out.

Month Ten was definitely the most godless month I have ever lived. Some days, I still feel like I’m in the middle of that godless month, still enduring the worst valley I have ever experienced. Month Ten was just as empty of God as this post is. But Jesus has been most faithful, even when I have not been.

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