another dreaded halloween

Today, I got home from running a couple errands, poured myself a glass of wine (yes, it is the afternoon; no, I’m not a sinner), lit some incense and a couple candles, and sat down to hash out some thoughts I’ve had on my mind lately.

Today is Monday, and that’s what I do.

But today is another dreaded Halloween.

And I’m two chai’s deep into my day, and I’m just not having it.

There are things I long for. Things that go beyond my normal routine.

My depression loves to hit me hard on this All Hallow’s Eve.

Another halloween to hate, another death to remember on the night before el Dia de los Muertos.

And with my depression comes this huge sense of apathy, this overwhelming sense of carelessness.

So with purposeful intention, I’m currently writing a list of all of the things that bring me life. Because on this day of pure apathy, all I desire is that which makes me feel alive.

I desire early morning sunrises overlooking the river.

I desire a bed full of blankets, five or six of them, each one heartwarming and comforting in its entirety. I long to be cuddled up underneath those blankets; I feel beautiful there.

I long for hour-long conversations over almond milk chai teas, encompassing every emotion on the scale, creating feelings and watching them fade away over topics of justice and religion and politics.

I desire to be in the arms of those who make my heart beat fast, tight hugs from the people that love me most.

I long for roadtrips with people I care about, for long drives screaming lyrics to songs from 2003, because 2003 was definitely the best year of music in the modern era.

I long for a really good carne asada taco from this little taco joint on the strip; a hole in the wall and connected to a gas station but better than almost anything I’ve ever tasted in this town.

I long to live to the point of tears.

I desire moments of adrenaline; to jump off cliffs and drive at speeds that could kill me.

I desire hikes up a mountain, any mountain. I desire skies I have not yet seen, dirt I have not yet touched, hills I have not yet tripped up.

I desire nights that turn into mornings, dates that turn into weekends, tears that turn into laughter.

I desire to feel something, because lots of times I feel nothing at all.

So today, I went on a hike.

I drove down a road I had never been down before.

I wrote. Twice.

I broke into a friend’s apartment and left him some candy.

I watched the sun set over the river.

Today, I cried.

I cried a lot.

I threw up everything in my stomach, more than once. I let the stress of the day get to my body yet again, but I won’t let it get to my heart.

I wrote a letter to my dear Brian Anderberg.

I listened to Mat Kearney for hours on end.

I played with Grandma Bailey.

I sat in the jacuzzi, and followed it up with a nap.

I ate gelato at 9am without a care in the world.

Because I’m all about feeling things today, even if I can’t on this dreaded Halloween day.

Because I refuse to be apathetic towards the things that mean most.

Because today, I long to feel alive.

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