strength

i tried to lift
my body today.

it wasn’t pretty,
believe me.

i weigh
substantially less
than i did
a year ago, but
somehow
i felt heavier.

and then i remember
every second of the night
he changed my life,
every time i’ve
cried myself to sleep
hoping to wake up
from this nightmare,
every moment since
that i’ve taken
to build the person
i am today

i feel heavier
from the effort it takes
to get out of bed
in the morning,
from the amount of
work it requires
to make myself seem
presentable for the public,
from the times I feel
the need to
complain about the weather
because it makes
everything else seem
a little less awful.

or maybe i feel heavier,
because i’m stronger
i’m stronger
for each time i’ve
said his name,
for each time i’ve
told another human
what he did to me.

i’m stronger
for every moment
i’ve trudged forward,
for every time
i’ve filled my lungs
with one more breath.

for every tear i’ve cried
for every hand i’ve held
for every time
i’ve let another human
love me.

for every time
i’ve loved myself

i’ve been exercising again
for merely weeks now.
someday i will be stronger
strong enough
to run the half marathon
strong enough
to lift my body

but right now
i am strong enough
to live another day
and that alone
is all the strength
i need

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