alone

too often,
trauma gets dismissed as
just in our head.
but the pain is real.
we feel it.
in our muscles,
our cells,
our hearts,
our heads.
and while there’s no magic fix,
no pill to make it disappear,
we can ask for help.
and we can tell our truth
whenever we’re ready.

(meredith grey // grey’s anatomy)

alone i have been
crying in my small
apartment while i watch the
newest episode of grey’s for the
sixth and the seventh and the
eighth time while i watch a
woman on a medical show get a
rape kit while i hear her
cries as she talks about the
terror of talking about it of
speaking up i remember my
own experiences my tears as i
called the person that i once thought
made me feel the safest and
couldn’t even get the words to
come out of my mouth i had to
text him while on the phone and he did
n o t h i n g  i remember
calling the cops and feeling
terrified when i saw the only
officer they sent was a
man to be alone with me in my
home as i tell him about what
another man had done to me just
minutes earlier what i don’t remember is
what safety looks like or how to
exist in a world filled with
men i don’t know and even the
ones i do know i don’t remember
walking my dog and not having to
worry about who was looking at
my body as i was just trying to
do my dog the justice of giving him the
exercise he needs i don’t remember
letting a man pay for my drink without
feeling like he will ask for something
more in return i live
alone in a building with two
men who have no
concept of how
vulnerable i am i
swear some days i am the most
powerful the bravest the
strongest woman you ever did
see i binge watch
rape and abuse crime
shows to remind myself that
women like me
we do get justice
someday but other days i
watch a medical show and see
myself on that table and
my bruises on her body
all over again i
cry for the women who
know pain like i do
who see the
hands of a man
long after they have left
bless the people who
open their mouths about
rape and assault because
we need to talk about it
i need you to talk about it
i am tired of talking about it
alone

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