things that make me cry

the other afternoon i
ran across this
video on twitter that
budwesier had put out

it was a video
paying tribute to
dwyane wade on
his last day on the
court in miami

the caption said
“grab the tissues”
but i didn’t listen

i should have listened

i bawled like a baby. not just
tears streaming down
your face crying,
no, we’re talking
audible sobs that
wake your dog from his
nap, crying.

and that is the thing that made me
cry the other afternoon

the day before, kyle
korver had published some
thoughts he had written regarding
racism and white privelege

and there i was, on the
bike at the gym, in
tears over someone
else’s experiences of
privilege and our
place in the conversation
surrounding race

last week, it was an
article on the
experiences surrounding
suicidal ideation and
how that doesn’t
always mean you really want to
kill yourself, but some
days it’d be nice if you did.

last month, i found myself
bawling in the
bathtub because i
watched a music
video where someone’s
dog died

i always am the first to
cry while watching
military coming home
videos because i
love when families can be
together again

i am in instant tears watching
basketball players take their last
steps off the court
ever

sometimes i watch videos of
walk-on college athletes receiving
scholarships just to
feel something

but i couldn’t cry at my
grandpa’s funeral

when i think of the man that i
love the most in this
world, and how i will
never see him again, I
feel nothing

when i talk about my
trauma, or what my
relationship with my
dad looked like while I was in
high school, or about the time i was
thirteen and had to talk my dearest
friend in the whole wide world that his
life was worth living, i am so
factual you wouldn’t even
believe there was ever
pain to be felt.

sometimes i feel like i am
so strong
so hard
so unemotional that i
don’t know how
to feel pain
to hurt
to grieve

this morning, the
thing that made me cry, it was a
ted talk about grief

and the speaker, her
name is nora, she
talked about this:

we don’t move on from grief
we move forward with it

and i cried

because whether you’re
grieving the loss of a
loved one, or the
loss of a relationship, or the
loss of a part of yourself, i’m not so
sure there will ever be a
way to move forward without
taking a part of that
loss with you without
letting it form you, without
letting it change you.

some days i look my
trauma in the eye and say
“go to hell”,
and some days i want to add
“and take me with you”

but no matter our trauma,
no matter our loss
we are still breathing
and moving
and feeling

so cry about the cute doggo
dying in the music video

cry over your favorite
nba player’s career

cry when players walk off the
court for the very last
time, and when walk-ons
receive scholarships

cry for every dumb thing you
possibly can

because you lived through that
trauma, you made it through that
loss, and it did not take your
humanity from you

you are still here

so live
and breathe
and laugh
and fight for the
things that make you cry

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