world suicide prevention day

i think about it all the time

how it’s going to happen
what’s going to take place
how it’s all going to go down

how i will breathe
my last breaths
on this earth

it’s always organic
a car crash
or drowning
or getting caught in a fire

the truth is, i don’t
always want to be alive

that doesn’t mean i’m not okay
that doesn’t mean i don’t want
to see tomorrow
that doesn’t mean i have a plan
or that i even want to kill myself
that doesn’t mean i am not
in love with the life i lead

my doctor isn’t worried
my therapist isn’t worried
hell, i’m not even worried

i’m not going anywhere

but some days i want to

some days i don’t want to see tomorrow
some days this life is suffocating
and i don’t want to go forward

i think about death a lot
and on particularly bad days
i think about it more

suicidal ideation is real
it’s honest
it’s present
it’s scary
it can’t be controlled
but it doesn’t have to
run your life

i remember calling up an old friend
“how do you deal with suicidal thoughts?”

“just see them come, and watch them go.”

see them come, watch them go.
let them flow through you
release them
don’t make them stay
don’t cling to them
allow them to come and go as they please

because the truth of the matter
the thing that keeps me grounded
the thing that keeps me here
is the constant truth that
my life is worth living

and it’s true

my life is worth living

even when i don’t want to be here
even when it’s hard
even when i’m drowning in my own thoughts

my life is worth living

it’s world suicide prevention day
but i work to prevent suicide
every day
every moment
recognizing my thoughts
watching them come and go
taking the breath in my lungs
and giving it meaning

loving every moment of this life
and working hard to see the next

suicide prevention isn’t always
something we talk about
once a year

for some
it’s a lifestyle
it’s a state of being
it’s the continual drive to take
each moment as it comes
it’s hope
it’s the strive for peace every day
it’s remembering that your
life is worth living

i think about dying a lot
sometimes i even want to die

but the only thing my
thoughts have taught me
is that each moment is precious
and that climbing the mountain
can be beautiful the whole way

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