i am right here

“i’m right here”

repeated over and
over to myself

“i’m right here”

“i have everything i need
already within me”

“i’m right here”

“i’m right here”
i repeat to myself
as the self loathing
continues, as the
lies fill my head, as i
remember each word
spoken to me in my
childhood

“i’m right here”

the mantra repeated
over and over as i
dissect every conversation,
every sentence,
every destructive message
dressed in constructive
criticism

criticism

criticism of the person
my trauma made me
no
cut that
criticism of the person
i have worked so
hard to become after
i didn’t know who i
was, after i was
ripped to shreds, after
i created the person
that i am with from
the ground up

yes
write that down

from the ground up

from the ground up

from the ground up
i created a person
so full of kindness as if
it was all she knew

a person so full of
grace it was as if
you could do no
wrong to her

a person so full of
love you would have
thought it ran
through her veins

you see, i was all of
that before

i was always kind
always graceful
always loving

but i didn’t always have to
fight to be that way

and god, was it hard
to be this way

it was hard to see the
world through my eyes
so filtered with fear and
anger and paranoia

it was hard to build the
strength to be kind
to the strangers that
scared me shitless,
to show grace to the
people who don’t
understand, to show
love to the people
that violated me

i have screamed so
many things at you
over the last few months

and i know you don’t
hear me, but i’m
convinced you wouldn’t
even if i was in tears
right in front of you

i have reminded you that
i might be a little
fucked up, but i’m
still good

i’m still so,
so good

i have screamed my
worth to you over and
over as if that would
finally get you to see it

i have laid it all
out for you,
that if you can’t love me
where my heart is,
then you will never
be able to see the
good in me

i am so fucked up
but my heart is good

it is so,
so good

i have cried as i
scream at you
all of the things
i want to say,
which always ends
with a “fuck you”

fuck you

fuck you

fuck you for acting like
my resilience has
gotten me nowhere

fuck you for making
me feel like what i’m
doing is not enough, like
loving myself in my
wholeness is not
enough, like i will never
be enough
for you

fuck you for creating a
space for me to be
vulnerable and leaving
me there to clean
my own wounds

and fuck me for taking
so long to tell you otherwise

i am enough

i have everything i need
already within me

i am right here

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