journal entry 04.13.2020

proud of me today for letting go of the reigns and holding onto myself instead. (@thebirdspapaya)

i saw this quote this morning, and i truly couldn’t get it out of my head. letting go of the reigns. holding onto myself instead.

i often feel like i’m not living up to my full potential. i watch the ways trauma has a hold on my life and i find myself so upset that i just watch it direct the course of my emotion, my productivity, my level of comfort with seemingly no control.

never apologize for the ways in which you had to adapt in order to survive.

i repeat it over and over to myself as i watch myself fall into habits that were created in survival mode that i don’t know how to break now. and it’s sad, and it’s scary, and i don’t know how to move forward.

and i don’t want to apologize for the things i learned that allowed me to survive. some days, survival was truly the goal. some days i just needed to make it through. some days, the goal was just to see tomorrow. but those days are less now. i know i’ll see tomorrow, and i often know how i’ll get there. my days are lighter, and i’m so incredibly grateful for that.

except one of the hardest things about adapting for survival is unlearning those survival instincts and pushing my ego aside to allow for true intuition, growth, reparenting, vulnerability, gentleness, life.

but the thing is, i don’t know how to not cling so tightly to the reigns of trauma. because it had me on the wildest ride, and i truly don’t know what life would be like without it. except i’m no longer adapting. i feel almost buried a life of survival mode. but in random moments, i almost feel like i’m thriving. except survival and thriving don’t really work so well together. they aren’t the best of friends.

we tend to cling tightly to the things we’re afraid to lose. and i am so used to letting trauma guide the way, it’s almost like i’ve forgotten how to do things on my own. this is a cycle that can be broken. i’m so sure of it. i can let go of the reigns. i can find a way to build a life that’s not clinging to survival but living in freedom. because lately? all i want is stability.

the thing about trauma is that it changes you. it changes you from your core, it alters the things you enjoy and the way you look at the world and the path you take and the decisions you make. because you see things so differently. you’re kinder because you see how other people’s actions can deeply affect the people around them. you value gentleness because every part of life is so rough. you see people’s behaviors as rooted in pain and not malicious intent, because lord knows that if you can function as you do with so much grace, others deserve that too.

whatever you’re not changing, you are choosing.

i guess this is it. because i know deep down that every second of my life that trauma has its way, i’m choosing that. and i can choose to let go of my tight grip on survival. i can choose to let go of trauma and its hold on me. i can choose to reparent myself, to nurture myself, to give myself the things i’m not getting from other people to make it through. because whatever i’m not changing, i’m choosing. and i guess today? today, i’m not choosing trauma. today, i’m choosing me.

i’m proud of me today. for letting go of the reigns of trauma, and for choosing to hold onto me

2 Comments

  1. 💗 I was a victim/survivor of domestic abuse. I suffered for 5 years, bore 2 amazing daughters, you would never know that if you saw me today. I suffered in silence away from family and friends, I never mentioned to anyone afraid of the repercussions, that to me were far far worse. I will never forget what I endured over those 5 traumatic years of physical and mental abuse, I have rarely spoken of it, very few know of it, because they only see the side of me that I allow them to see. Today it’s a long and distant memory, a lesson, a blessing, a leap of faith, learning to love and trust again … time does heal, 30 years on, I’m a different woman now, a million miles away from the frightened 20+ year old that didn’t think she deserved any better. Onward and foward, don’t look back … you’re not going that way ! 💋

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