journal entry // 04.26.2020

i woke up feeling so fat today.

fat isn’t a word I enjoy using. anything taught negatively about any body is body shaming (write that down) and i have worked so hard to remove myself from that downward spiral.

but some days it still creeps up on me. old habits die hard, i guess.

today i woke up feeling so fat. i feel bloated and heavy. it’s amazing how normal body experiences can so deeply affect the way we view our bodies. as if they have a true affect on the way we are seen as beautiful.

i was raised to cover my body because it was seen as sinful. it created this negative self image in me that i couldn’t shake. a constant need for attention, validity, and adoration to make up for my lack of positive self image and truly, a lack of affection for myself. later on, i was able to add an obsession over seemingly healthy diets and crazes to the list of things that i thought would fix my negative body image and make me more beautiful.

as an adult, i didn’t know how to navigate the constant attention from men that i hadn’t grown up with. i went from being called “la vaca” in my sophomore year spanish class (that means ‘the cow’), to being called at 1am because the bars had closed and people i knew truly didn’t want to go home alone, i went from the fat girl in the friend girl to the girl with curves that men sought after. it took a long time to learn how to navigate a world that gave me so much attention when i spent so much time trying to avoid it.

as a kid, i was always told that it didn’t matter what other people thought of how i looked because “god thinks i’m beautiful just the way i am”, except that created both apathy and shame in my life in ways that were so hard to relearn. i always rode the line between not wanting to look at the scale because it didn’t matter and not wanting to look at the scale because i was afraid of what it said. i wanted to eat healthy because i wanted to take care of my body but i also wanted to eat healthy because i was ashamed of where i was at physically and always dreamed of being “skinny”.

i don’t live that way anymore. i wear what i find to be comfortable and no longer dress for people’s approval. (yes, dressing modestly is still dressing for the approval of another person.) i wear things because i love them. i wear things that i enjoy, not things that are created to cover up the areas of my body i feel shame towards.

i eat what i want to eat because i know that my body needs both fruits and veggies but also carbs and fat and protein in order to survive. also because my cravings are real, and i know that eating for my health means also satisfying those cravings. i’ve learned that moderation is the key to success in everything in life, and that it’s perfectly okay to eat the damn cake.

there truly is goodness in learning to love yourself, even when those thought patterns of the past creep in. healing still shows up on those days, too. any negative thought towards any body of any size is body shaming. and it’s okay to eat the damn cake.

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